Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The new Me? (C-day + 80)

Hello all,
I am just looking for a bit of feedback, so here goes. I am only 80 days in to this journey, but I feel like I should have had that "Eureka Moment" by now. I know that I have experienced many changes, but yet I still feel the same in most ways. The day to day of raising 4 children, being a husband, going to work and just living seems to take most of my time. On top of this I have the same thoughts and fears as anyone with cancer. I have done a few things that I would not have done 3 months ago, but I can assure you I am neither the perfect father, husband or human. I know, I should be thankful that I have only lost eyesight in one eye and there is still a chance that the cancer will never spread to my liver or anyplace else. ok ok ok..... So does anyone feel they can point to one moment where you feel cancer opened your eye's and in a flash, the person you were, ceased to exist, and you see with new eye's. (pun intended) :)

I hope everything is going well for you and yours.


EyeCandy (Paul)

1 comment:

Carissa said...

Interesting question you bring up here. Does anyone have an "ah-ha" moment? I would have to say that it's a very gray area for me. I was diagnosed Jan 28, 2008 (as you know from my blog) so am a bit further out than you, but not much. Yes, life and the business of it does continue on. I would not say that who I used to be has ceased to exist, but rather has been slightly transformed -- most for the better some for the worse. I take my days more slowly, despite them flying by. I don't get as irked or upset by as many little things that used to bother me (not that there were that many to begin with). I find I have more patience in everything, despite feeling as though I want to do everything right now while I feel good and am metastasis free. I recognized even more lucidly that I do not want to continue down the career path I have chosen, but have accepted that I am stuck at the moment (for insurance and $ reasons). I ended a bad and stressful relationship and entered into a new, much healthier, and extremely rewarding one by happenstance. I have become more assertive about what I want to do versus always being flexible to doing what others want to do (though I do still concede often to please my friends and family -- but more that I recognize when I need rest and alone/quiet time). I try to treat my body even better than I did before, and embarked on a raw vegan diet. Mostly life is the same, but different simultaneously. I have not discovered any secrets to life, or acceptance of mortality at a young age, nor have I become an undying optimist, I feel I have just become more "me", more focused on today rather than tomorrow or yesterday and that is something I try to remember every day.

Hope this helps, sorry for the long response! :)